Grace
Was lost and now am still lost...it's not a map but a place to start
A few weeks ago with the sun streaming in my windows highlighting all the dust and streaks, I undertook a deep clean of a portion of my kitchen (not the whole thing, I don’t have that kind of commitment to clean). Scrubbing down windowsills, the microwave, and the floor, half the room got a thorough clean. The other half was left for another day. Emptying my cleaning bucket into the sink, a rather big clump of dirt fell out of the bucket. Not remembering seeing anything that size during my cleaning, I leaned in and took a closer look…
It was Henry.
Now if you do not know who Henry was, he was a shield bug I wrote about a few months ago. Hibernating in our house, Henry, once named was claimed and required care. Every few days, a fresh piece of cucumber would be placed on the sill, and in his own time, he would latch to it and stay stuck for days imbibing the nutrient-rich liquid through his proboscis.
Henry did, however, have a propensity for trouble. On multiple occasions, we had to fish him out of the sink and avoid wiping him up with the dishcloth as he perched on the counter just behind a glass. He liked to bask under the toaster and was almost squished when Ronnie (German Shepherd) knocked over a fan he was hiding under. Henry had nine lives, and he kept us on our toes. We would always try and watch for him though looking extra hard if we hadn’t caught a glimpse of him every few days.
A few weeks ago, my husband commented with the nicer weather it was perhaps time to release Henry to the outdoors, but with cold nights, I decided to hang on to him for another week or two. I wish now I had let him go.
I felt terrible at how Henry had passed, another indication of why I should not be cleaning anything.
***
When I was young, I looked up in a baby names book the meaning of the name Jane. The spiritual meaning of Jane is God is gracious. In secular terms, Jane represents kindness and grace. Either way, young Jane could not help but feel slightly smug at such a great unearned legacy…kindness and grace…what a fabulous pairing. What was the world in for with the gift that was me.
It is with time and with many life lessons that I now recognize the true legacy of my name…not to be kindness and grace…to learn kindness and grace…over and over, but especially grace.
***
I have always loved that word…grace. With its religious connotations, it’s a word I hesitate to use in all circles, but I find the religions of the world have laid claim to some of the best words like blessing, reverence, spiritual, holy, and sacred to name a few. My word campaign is to scatter these words in mainstream conversation, especially grace, as these words beautify the general atmosphere and therefore need to be shared.
The word grace putting together different definitions found with a search online means undeserved favor, recognizing one’s humanity and value, divine unconditional love, or my personal favorite “the sum of all the good stuff in the universe.”
***
Reading one or two a lot of personal growth books lately, they all seem to dwell on a similar premise…in the journey of wholeness, the importance of forgiveness (not absolution) towards those who have inflicted pain.
But what if you are the one that needs forgiveness?
And spoiler alert, you cannot move through this life without needing to both forgive and be forgiven. I know, when I found that out it was very inconvenient…hard to stand on your self-righteous soapbox when you truly understand this paradox…not that it stops me from trying to climb back up those stairs, but the more I learn about grace, the higher those steps seem to get.
Lately, the many ways I need to be forgiven haunt me more than those I need to offer forgiveness for. I have done a lot of work with the latter. Going through the list of things I need to be forgiven for is daunting. I need to be forgiven for hurt inflicted, bad decisions made, times when I was a coward, times when I was needed and did not show up, mistakes with a capital M, relationships ending badly, lack of understanding and talking from my ignorance, not allowing others to walk their own journey, arrogance, pride, being judgmental, unkindness, shield bugs I have killed, and so much more…some too painful to mention.
To my mind, grace is what is offered us when we least deserve it. When we are the worst, ugliest versions of ourselves. When we are so far from our ideal, we are not sure if we can make it make back into the realm of goodness and our truth.
It is at those times when grace is required that I picture her to be a matronly energy that sweeps into the room occupying all the space with her huge energy. She takes my face in her hands and gazes into my eyes with her twinkly, loving ones and reminds me that the goal is not perfection. In fact, there is no goal unless it’s coming back to my authentic humanity as often as I can after I fail…often. She reminds me that grace does not absolve me of wrongs I have committed, but rather acts as the compassionate baseline from which to do better.
Because the truth is that acknowledgment of my wrongs from a place of compassion for myself is a far more effective change-maker than change built on self-recrimination and self-flagellation.
But accepting grace takes time.
***
Taking a walk on a beautiful spring day last week, I ran into an elderly woman on the road. She smiled and said I was probably the only person she had seen walking without a dog. I laughed and replied that I had already taken my dogs out for their stroll, but being old and slow, I wanted to take a faster-paced walk around the neighborhood.
She smiled and proceeded across the street to her house limping with the cane I had neglected to see in her hand.
Old and slow.
What a big-mouthed jerk, I am.
And that’s why I am named Jane because I require big doses of grace and reminders of kindness from the Universe just to make it through the day.
RIP Henry. I am sorry.
Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering, you will find grace in many facets and colors. – William Young
Ok….now I need some grace. That bug looks just like the one I smushed last night in my kitchen.