A couple of weeks ago, I wanted to do some writing but had myself stalled for an idea of what to write. A quick Google search on writing prompts assigned me the task of writing about a meaningful song and the specific event attached to this musical memory.
Never being one for remembering songs very well and being one of those individuals who would far rather get lost in a podcast than in music, I approached this writing idea with skepticism. Did music really have that much of an influence on my world? I thought of one song, wrote halfheartedly about the memory, and then all of a sudden found myself opening Pandora’s box to the soundtrack of my life.
Songs and memories, memories and songs came flooding into my brain generating a musical background for some major events in my life. Taken by surprise, I wanted to get it down into words. Not all of it came at once, but asking the question cracked the gate for the answers to come trickling in.
** If you want to hear the song that I am referencing just click the title of the song at the bottom of the lyrics, I have attached YouTube links.
The whispers in the morning
Of lovers sleeping tight
Are rolling by like thunder now
As I look into your eyes
My high school years are marked by waking every morning to the dulcet sounds of Celine Dion singing Power of Love at top volume. This is the song that my sister had programmed on her ghettoblaster to wake her up every morning. What this song did not do was wake my sister, but did rob me of five extra minutes of sleep which is infuriating to a teenager.
This would result in me flinging back the blankets, stomping into my sister’s room, screaming in frustration, and slamming the off button on her stereo. This song never fails to elicit nostalgia for those days when our biggest problem was how curly we could manage to get our naturally straight hair, how to make our school uniform reflect our individuality and always, always makes me think affectionately of my sister with a curiosity of what song she wakes up to now.
***
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door
- I’m Gonna Be, The Proclaimers
Upon hearing this song, instantly I smell diesel mixed with perfume. Heading down the freeway in a leaky rumbly VW van to a fancy graduation dinner at Vancouver’s revolving restaurant, we listened to this song on repeat. Having a graduating class of 12, we were a close-knit group enjoying a moment marked with anticipatory excitement and the bittersweet of a last hurrah before our lives us led in different directions.
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I am going to be king of the world
I want you to be my queen for a day
- Unknown
One of my discoveries in this walk down soundtrack lane is how much my senses are linked to my remembrance of the past. With this particular song, I smell cigarettes and beer, hear the loud sounds of chatter and music at the pub, and have a feeling of endless time where everything is new and exciting. It marks the beginning of my relationship with my husband. So far managing to be his queen for more than a day by 27 years, I obviously have overstayed my welcome but no one makes me laugh harder, continues to surprise, and makes me want to be a better human than this king of our little world.
***
Skinnamarinky dinky dink
Skinnamarinky do,
I love you!
- The Elephant Show, Sharon, Lois & Bram
This song evokes waves of nausea mixed with the smell of peppermint tea (still cannot stand) and crackers. Six months pregnant with my second lying on the couch desperate for a reprieve, I play The Elephant Show repeatedly for my firstborn who is enraptured with this little-hearted ditty. With apologies to Sharon, Lois, and Bram, the nausea has never quite gone away.
***
Just close your eyes, the sun is going down
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound
- Safe and Sound, Taylor Swift from The Hunger Games
I still cannot hear this song without welling as evidenced by my son and husband when I was telling them about this post and this particular song. With my dad in hospital, there was a lot of confusion on my part about what was happening. This song helped me accept that there are no storybook closures when someone passes. It is messy, and you will be left with permanently unresolved loose ends and questions. To accept that and to permit those we love to move on is a gift we give ourselves and our loved ones. It’s a song that gave words to my grief and the process of letting go.
On a lighter note, my dad who was Japanese-Canadian fully embraced his Canadian roots in his musical tastes. He could never carry a tune, but my dearest memories are of him warbling off key to the song stylings of Anne Murray and Rita McNeil.
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They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how
In a moment of kismet, one of my teens decided they were finished with piano lessons at the same time the teacher announced she was moving away. On the day of their last lesson, the teacher asked him to play his favorite song for us by memory. Being in the past a chronic avoider of goodbyes and awkward moments, I have challenged myself to show up for these. This was one of those moments. I could have just done a drop-off, but I am eternally grateful I showed up.
I now have a different perspective on goodbyes. Not only can they be incredibly poignant as this one was, but they also provide a beautiful sense of closure. Not everyone is meant to travel with you lifelong and acknowledging those relationships allows you to appreciate the essence of them that will forever remain with you. In this particular instance, it was gratitude for this mentor of my child’s who encouraged their love of music as they defined it, not for a recital or a concert hall, but for their own pleasure…what a gift.
***
That if I can't be close to you
I'll settle for the ghost of you
I miss you more than life (more than life)
And if you can't be next to me
Your memory is ecstasy
I miss you more than life
I miss you more than life
My husband played this song the day after I let my heart dog, Minnie, go. To this day, I can’t hear this song without missing her terribly, yet also feeling so incredibly grateful for her presence in my life. Allowing you to get a glimpse of a little of my crazy, when you have a strong bond with an animal or a human, you understand that the only thing keeping us from our departed loved ones is a veil. I still feel her near…a poke in the leg, a growl by Marin at seemingly nothing (Marin was not a Minnie fan), or a solid presence to my right side, and it brings me comfort. However, this song always turns me into a bit of a disaster.
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You would never associate Mongolian heavy metal with the group of people that spring to mind except for my husband whose hearing attests to a long love affair with heavy metal in general. However, with a guttural chant, I am transported to uncomplicated friendships, delicious food, easy laughter, and sharing my lunch nose-to-nose with a lovely St Bernard.
***
The soundtrack of my life continues to grow and expand, and this is just volume one. I now realize that I have specific songs attached to family members and friends. It is a wonderful discovery to realize that music plays a bigger role in my life than I had realized like a black-and-white picture that suddenly contains color.
If you feel like taking your own emotional walk through memory lane, I encourage you to put the question out there about the songs that make the backdrop to your life journey. You will be pleasantly surprised how they flow into your brain at unforeseen moments.
Carry Kleenex.
Music is what feelings sound like.
- Unknown
If you feel like sharing one of your songs, comment below. I promise I will listen to the entire song. =)
love this and laughed out loud at the Mongolian heavy metal.
for me right now where I am in life, the song is desperato by the eagles
So good! I loved it and had no idea how infuriating my morning alarm was to you. Sorry about that. My song right now is not well known but it is Call your Mom by Noah Kahan. It is a touching song about helping a friend through depression and brings back the amazing experience of hearing him play it live at Radio City Music Hall with my little music loving daughter only a couple of months ago. That will always be one of my favorite memories